Monday, January 25, 2016

Why can't I just get it out?

I started three blogs today and I deleted each one because I felt like I was going to offend someone.  Why is it that I care that I might offend someone?  It shouldn't matter, right? I'm 45 years old, and am married with children. It's not like my husband or my kids will give up on me and say 'you can't say that!'   They don't really read what I post anyway.

I know that although I have a good number of Facebook friends, I can probably count on both hands the number of people that actually read my posts.  O.k., so it might be slightly more than that.

So in lieu of writing those three blogs, I'm just going to write up my pet peeve list and you can do with it what you will. These of course aren't limited to social media...this is real life people.

1) Girls that find it necessary to stick out their tongues in every fucking selfie they take.  Once, it's cute.  Two, ok, I get it.  Every picture later? I'm sick of looking at your tongue.

2) Selfies in the bathroom.  Seriously?  Do you think that a picture with a toilet is your best option?

3) Forwards about missing animals in locations where you don't even have friends or families in.  No one is seeing your post.

4) Don't tell me your going to give me details on Friday for a project due on Wednesday and make sure I don't even have it in hand by Tuesday morning.

5) No, I cannot give you every single picture I took of your family. There is a reason why I filter through the images, because some of them are bad, and it's my reputation that will get hit if those photo's get out.  I hindsight, I'm not claiming to be a professional photographer. I've taken crappy shots and posted them (sorry!).  I want you and your family to look their best, so don't ask for something that I'm not prepared to give you for free.  I told you that when we started.

6) When you are creeping in on 50, don't dress like you are a roadie for White Snake. Even surgically enhanced Tawny Kitain looks better than you today.

7) If you are underage, stop posting about how drunk you got over the weekend.  Use some common sense.  What you post will never go away, and as soon get your head out of your ass, get married and have kids, your kids will find that shit on Facebook and do the same thing you are doing. And lets not even get started on college and job recruiters. That follows you everywhere.

8) Why is it that every time I think I'm going to beat traffic, I get stuck behind the fucker that won't change lanes?

9) I won't apologize for my use of the word fuck.  Yes, I know I sound like a truck driver, but sometimes its just the best option out there.

10) I'm sorry you are struggling with your child graduating high school and can't cope with them leaving the nest.  I am too, but I am also looking forward to it.  When I cry in June it will be tears of joy, not because I'm afraid my son is leaving me and never coming back.

11) Please stop forwarding me emails, when I'm on the original string. I've already seen in, and I don't need to see it again because you are too lazy to see who the email went to.

12) Don't act like you like me, when in reality you've said shit behind my back and shared it with mutual 'friends'.  If you have something to say, say it to my face.  For Christ sake, we aren't 15 years old anymore.

13) Why have you collected ~3,000 Facebook friends?  Do you really believe that 3,000 people give a shit about what you post?  You aren't Ellen or Oprah.  Having 300 is pushing the limits on what I can handle.  Maybe your just a better person than me.

14) Don't really believe my pet peeve is about you.  You aren't that interesting.  Sorry.

15) I'm pretty good at remembering things you've told me; don't lie and tell me something else five minutes later.  

Note: related to 1 and 2, I've deleted 90% of the offenders.  So unless you are a 40-something slave to the selfie, you are probably safe.

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