There are things that make me uncomfortable, like sketchy situations, walking in an alley, letting my dogs out in the middle of the night in the north woods. Does it scare me? No. Not really, just uncomfortable.
A gaggle of clowns might set me off. (Is that what they are called? No, I looked it up. A group of clowns is called as clown alley). I might even go to say that they might set off a panic attack. Not sure why. My mom dressed me in a real life home-made clown costume when I was 5. I thought I was cute. When I think back to pictures, it freaks me the hell out.
So when it comes to being scared, the only thing that is really kind of weighing on me is my impending surgery. Last year I went through a series of biopsies, two of which were unsuccessful, and the third was paired with a D&C - not a fun experience. Needless to say, my symptoms never stopped, and here I am a year later going in for a hysterectomy at 48 years old.
That doesn't bother me. It's not like I need that baby factory anymore. We have two grown children, and there is no baby fever for me. I've been told that the procedure is a laparoscopic hysterectomy coupled with a mesh sling (sounds fun, right?). Now, I wouldn't go googleing this because it is simply gross. I'm going to be left with my ovaries so that I don't go into premature menopause. Little do they know, the night sweats, excessive crying and all around moodiness is here. I'd like it to leave. Soon.
When it comes to being scared, I think that what is bothering me the most is what I will be like after the surgery. I started a new job under two months ago, so timing sucks, but frankly I'm sick of having to take stock in Playtex and feeling like I'm lethargic all the time. One surgeon says I'll need at least eight weeks of recovery; the other says six weeks. I want to go back to work as soon as possible. I don't have the luxury of truly resting.
I know I have a good support system at home. My husband and oldest son will bear the brunt of taking care of me. Our youngest son will only have a few days of me being off my feet before he embarks on his third year of college.
The docs told me my surgery will take at minimum four hours, and then I'll spend the night in the hospital, likely fully medicated. I hate taking pain pills. I didn't like it when both pregnancies ended in cesareans, and I don't like it now. I'm worried about being under the knife, knowing that everything is out of my control. I'm worried knowing that my husband will be sitting in the waiting room, likely wringing his hands, and quite potentially any staff he encounters at the hospital if he doesn't get quick enough answers.
I'm scared of thinking that I might not be the same when I come out of surgery. Does this make me less of a woman? Will I feel differently? Can I still do all the things I love to do?
I know women go through this all the time...apparently about 600,000 annually in the United States. Sounds like alot, right? Not when you look and there were 157,000,000 women in the US in the 2010 census.
17 days until I go under the knife. 17 days to prepare for a necessary surgery. 17 days to figure out how to not be scared.