It Was Just a Cup of Coffee

Way back when I started my grown up career journey, I was faced with what I felt was an impossible task.  I had to get coffee for my boss on what seemed like an hourly basis, and it never seemed to go right.  Too hot. Too cold. Not dark enough.  I want sugar, dammit!  I felt like Goldilocks and swore he was the reincarnation of Sybil.

After I attended college and got married, I held jobs where I thought I was above what I was asked to do.  I was young and foolish, thinking that there is no way they want me to do what some people asked me to do.  What I realize now is that coffee was just the tip of the iceberg when it came to bosses and coworkers.  Their quirkiness (lets be honest, assholish behavior) was enough to make your head spin.  

In the fashion of Jen Mann's Working with People I want to Punch in the Throat, I give you a snippet of my life at work.  In no particular order, in order to protect the innocent, (who am I kidding, they are all guilty), I give you a handful of people I've worked with that are lucky to have made it out alive.

The Bastard.  On any given day, I was asked to order flowers, cookies, and gifts for my boss.  No big deal, right?  Au contraire.  They had to be sent to his wife...and mistress.  And before you ask - he always spent more on his mistress.

The Closet Politician.  This coworker thrived on all things politics  She would stay up for 48 hours straight during any given election, then come to work work to impart her wisdom.  What's even better, she devoured celebrity gossip and everything royal, like they were her best friends.

The Egomaniac.  His wife took half his fortune, and he numbered his girlfriends and did their homework.  In the middle of a corporate meeting, he opened his laptop to project a presentation and a half naked girlfriend was what our staff saw.  Needless to say, he never again was allowed to set up his own presentations.

The Foreigner.  His wife taught her English and she referred to staff by their pronouns instead of names.  It wasn't uncommon to walk into an early morning screaming match.
The Yes Man.  Agreed to everything without taking into account the consequences for his staff.

The Doing Business On The Side One.  Could do their own job, but instead ran a personal business out of the non-used workout facility.

The Sneaker Outer.  Finish a meeting at 3:00?  Perfect.  Out of the mouths of babes: "I have so much work to do, I'll be in my office."  3:02, hear them pack up and sneak out the back door.

The One Who Wasn't Funny.  I'm all about inappropriateness.  It makes me laugh, because I don't have a stick up my ass.  This one, however, thought that all female staff was trying to slowly kill him, and proceeded to be funny even when a dog died.

The Alrighty.  Every time a task was started or completed, this one said alright.  I would have been ok with that if it was Matthew McConaughey.  

The Drinker.  It's one thing to have a drink after work. It's another thing to talk about bar hopping every night of the week and show up late every morning.
The Stealer of Ideas. Nothing like having your staff work on a project that was scammed from another company.  Or have someone mock up a strategic plan, that gets presented as your own work, even though half the people in the room knew it was done by someone else.

The Liar.  Many people embellish their resume.  This one lied about finishing their college degree and where they had previously worked, yet they were hired and ultimately promoted.  Twice.

The Vacationer.  The one that treated company business trips like their own personal vacation provider.  Need a volunteer to go abroad? Absolutely!  Working a trade show in the deep south?  Shit, I can lay on the beach and no one will notice my tan!  Order steak and lobster and $100 bottles of wine?  I'm on it!   My assistant can kiss ass and get my expenses put through.

The Original Selfie Taker.  When you have downtime at a conference and you and your coworkers scroll through social feeds of people you don't like at work, be careful.  You may come across a gem of a senior leader in the locker room at their gym taking a bathroom selfie, with stall behind them and the obligatory flash blocking their face.  Or if you are really lucky you may see that same person sans shirt in the lobby of your office after hours.

The All-Day Luncher.  How much food can one person pack in over the course of eight hours?  For the love of all that is holy, stop cooking fish in the microwave.  Please stop crunching carrots.  And if I have to listen to you make a tink, tink, tink sound as you rummage around in your homemade yogurt housed in a mason jar, I'm gonna flip my shit.
The Scientologist.  So many things could be said, but I fear for my life and that of my husband and kids.  I'd rather if Tom Cruise didn't send his church mafia to my front door.  Just know that you've never really experienced a wackadoo, unless you experience someone that worships LRH.

The Pig.  Your cube is disgusting.  Crumbs and spilled coffee do not belong on your desk, nor on the front of your shirt.  Garbage belongs in the waste basket, not overflowing in to the aisle.  Wash your fucking dishes.  I am gagging on the mix of ketchup, mayo and ranch dressing you seem to favor.  And for fucks sake, change your shirt and pants.  You cannot possibly own 12 of the same button down shirts.

The Unequal Opportunist.  Never gave anyone credit for their own work.  Often lied to the person that actually did the work and took it as their own.

The Heat Seeker.  In winter, the office was set at 75.  In summer, no air conditioning because they got cold.  The thermostat was in their office.  Everyone else suffered.
The Pregnant Hypochondriac.  Morning Sickness?  Yes.  Hyperemesis Gravidarium.  Yes (and did you know that the princess had it too, and we are due on the same date?)  Said she craved celery.  You have got to be kidding me.

The Entrepreneur.  No.  I don't want to buy Lula Roe, Jamberry, Norwex, Tupperwear or Oils from you.  If I did, I'll contact you.  Stop messaging me.  And do you even work here?  How could you possibly have the time?

The Upward Climber.  Had no respect for anyone unless they were a superior.  Managing up is the only way to go.  Everyone else could suck it.
The Sneaky Filter User. Be careful. Snapchat is her best friend.  And you may be her enemy.

The Micro Manager.  I'd like to say they didn't know they were micromanaging, but I really believe they knew, and got off on it.

The Bathroom Eater.  Honey.  I hear you eating the Cheetos.  You repulse me.

Now, before you think I'm all bitchy and judgmental, this is done out of survival.  Thirty plus years of working will do that to you.  Misery loves company, and I guarantee if you worked with me, you may recognize some of the individuals above.  I guarantee coworkers would probably have choice things to say about me.  As a side note, some of the people above are the same person.  I didn't work with all assholes.

So when I think back to it just being a cup of coffee I was so worried about, that was the least of my worries.